📘 Part 3: Being polite and friendly

This episode's vocabulary

Trait (noun) - a particular characteristic that can produce a particular type of behaviour.

Agreeableness (noun) - the quality of being friendly and pleasant.

Disagreeableness (noun) - opposite of agreeableness.

To gain (verb) - to get something that is useful, that gives you an advantage, or that is in some way positive, especially over a period of time.

Promotion (noun) - the act of encouraging something to happen or develop.

Crucial (adj.) - extremely important or necessary.

Edge (noun) - an advantage over other people.

Disingenuous (adj.) - (of a person or their behaviour) slightly dishonest, or not speaking the complete truth.

Boundary (noun) - the limit of a subject or principle.

Folk (noun) - people, especially those of a particular group or type.

Directness (noun) - the quality of saying what you think in a very honest way, without worrying about other people's opinions.

Impolite (adj.) - behaving in a way that is not socially correct and shows a lack of understanding of and care for other people's feelings.

Hostile (adj.) - unfriendly and not liking something.

Obligation (noun) - something that you must do.

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Questions and Answers

M: What kinds of people are usually friendly?

R: I suspect that most people are quite friendly when it comes down to it. Though, if we think about personality traits, then probably those who are high in openness and low in disagreeableness will be the best, since they're most likely to be, well, accepting of people, and less likely to argue with them.

M: Why are people friendly with people they don't like?

R: I'd imagine it's since they have something to gain like a promotion at work or a crucial edge in a situation that might not be going well for them. That's a bit disingenuous, but it does explain why people do it.

M: What are the differences between being friendly and being polite?

R: Well, friendliness is an effort to establish a connection whereas politeness is actually about maintaining boundaries.

M: Do you think politeness is different in different parts of the world?

R: It's probably expressed differently, but the concept of connectedness or lack thereof will still define it. I mean, for example, politeness is expressed by social distance in the English language, whereas elsewhere, it's a lack of eye contact.

M: How do people show politeness in your country?

R: Well, it's sort of like I said. It's expressed more through, well, in language, it's expressed through this idea of distance. So lots of past tenses, for example, or past forms, if we talk about body language, then maintaining eye contact, some or alternatively, some people bow their heads to show that they're of a lower status. I don't think that's common now, but it used to be. Other things like shaking hands, for example, in my country, you shake hands with everybody, but in other countries, you don't shake hands with everyone, you shake hands with men, for example.

M: Are there any differences between urban and rural people being polite?

R: I suppose country folk have a reputation for being rough and ready. And so their social graces are seen as less developed or simpler. But I'm not sure how you would even begin to go about investigating that distinction, nor even measuring it. I don't see any, like, from my experience, I haven't seen any. But perhaps there are.

M: What do you think of straightforward people?

R: Oh, I love it when like, select people are direct. And I'm not on the receiving end of the directness, or at least not without the edge of the directness being taken off. You know exactly where you stand and how best to approach the situation. It's not for everyone, but it's definitely for me. Like I have a lot to get done, so I benefit from this sort of approach to things.

M: And in what situations, it's not a good idea to be straightforward?

R: Well, probably not in very emotionally charged situations. So if you're at a funeral, and someone asks, so how much of the money am I getting? That might not be a very great time to be direct with people about things.

M: And do you think is better to be always polite? Or there are some moments when you can be impolite?

R: I think 99% of the time, it's a good idea to be polite, but there's always situations where being impolite is a good idea, like around your friends, for example. Like you can be impolite as a joke, or if you really, well, I mean, in a situation where someone's being hostile towards you, you're under no obligation to be polite to them, are you?

M: Do you think more people will be more polite and friendly in the future?

R: I think it will remain the same. Maybe people will express it differently. But I think people will maintain equal levels of politeness versus impoliteness. I don't think that's likely to change. That's human nature.

M: Thank you, Rory, for your lovely answers! You've been really polite and super friendly!

R: For a high score.

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