📘 Part 3: Apologies and forgiveness

This episode's vocabulary

Common courtesy (n) – polite behaviour that shows respect for other people. → People in my country often apologize just out of common courtesy.

Make up for something (phrasal verb) – to do something that corrects a mistake you have made, or a bad situation you have caused. → When you do something wrong, you need to make up for it.

Acknowledge (v) – to accept, admit, or recognize something, or the truth or existence of something. → It's important to apologize just to acknowledge the inconvenience.

Faux pas (n) – words or behaviour that are a social mistake or not polite. → They may not have realized what they did was a serious faux pas.

Stubborn (adj) – determined to do what you want and refusing to do anything else. → Some people are just extremely stubborn and want to avoid the consequences of their actions.

Perfunctory (adj) – done quickly, without taking care or interest. → An apology shouldn't be something perfunctory; you should mean it.

Inexcusable (adj) – too bad to be accepted or forgiven. → For something really inexcusable, people definitely won't like apologizing but it's part of making up for what you've done.

Let someone off the hook (idiom) – to allow someone to escape from a difficult situation or punishment. → If it's a minor infraction, you could probably just let yourself off the hook and not worry about it.

Overly apologetic (adj) – showing that you feel sorry about something too much or too often. → Constantly saying sorry might make you look a bit overly apologetic.

Oversensitive (adj) – too easily upset or offended. → Apologizing for every small thing could make you seem oversensitive.

Own up to something (phrasal verb) – to admit that you have done something wrong. → If they're the only one owning up to things, it might feel disproportionate.

Take responsibility (collocation) – to agree to be in charge of something or to accept the blame for something. → If they're the only one taking responsibility, then it might feel disproportionate.

Questions and Answers

Maria: Do people in your country often apologize?

Rory: Yeah, just out of common courtesy. Everyone occasionally gets in people's way and you need to make up for it. Even if it's a relatively minor thing, just to acknowledge the inconvenience.

Maria: Why do some people find it hard to apologize?

Rory: Well, I suppose they might not see they've done something wrong. And they might be right, come to think of it. Alternatively, they may not have realized what they did was a serious faux pas, and they properly messed something up. And of course some people are just extremely stubborn and want to avoid the consequences of their actions.

Maria: Do you think children should be taught to apologize from a young age?

Rory: As long as they mean it and it's not something perfunctory or they feel they have to do it, even when they've done nothing wrong. Absolutely. It's just good manners. It shows you respect people and you recognize you did something wrong, even if it was by accident.

Maria: Do people in your country like to say sorry?

Rory: I'm not sure they like it, but they certainly don't have a problem saying it for minor things like being a little bit late or getting something wrong. For something really inexcusable, they definitely won't like it but it's part of making up for what you've done.

Maria: Do you think people should apologize for anything wrong they do?

Rory: Well, I think that depends really. If it's a minor infraction and no one was harmed as a result, then you probably could just let yourself off the hook and not worry about it too much since it might make you look a bit overly apologetic or oversensitive.

Maria: Why do some people refuse to say sorry to others?

Rory: Other than the reasons I suggested before, I suppose they could feel like they're taking more than their share of the blame. So if they're the only one owning up to things or taking responsibility, then it might feel disproportionate and they wouldn't want to do it.

Maria: Are women better than men at recognizing emotions?

Rory: On average, I probably not. I mean, we're all human so our capacity to understand each other is, well, it needs to be equally distributed so that we can survive. It's a bit like saying, I don't know, men somehow lack a key component of the human experience or women are overly sensitive, and I don't think that's true. At least there's no evidence of this.

Discussion

Maria: Yay. Thank you Rory for your answers. So we apologize, we apologize to other people. We make an apology, or we make apologies. And Rory told us that just out of common courtesy. It's like etiquette, right? Like manners.

Rory: Oh, good manners, yes.

Maria: Polite behavior, polite actions, remarks, that's courtesy. So people usually apologize out of courtesy. Because they have good manners. At least people should have the courtesy to say sorry if they've done something wrong. And a very good phrasal verb is to make up for it. So when you do something wrong, you mess it up, you need to make up for it. Like to make peace, to make friends again. Make up for it.

Rory: Another phrasal verb would be out of.

Maria: Is that a phrasal verb?

Rory: No, it's not. It's just a, it's just a collocation.

Maria: Just prepositions.

Rory: Yeah, but out of in combination means because of or due to. Due to common courtesy for the reasons of out of spite.

Maria: And people apologize to acknowledge the inconvenience. Like acknowledge, they admit something, they say that, "yes, I did something wrong." I acknowledge, accept my behavior, which was not very nice. C1, actually, acknowledge.

Rory: Really?

Maria: Yeah.

Rory: Oh, nice.

Maria: Yeah, nice. Band eight.

Rory: 8.5.

Maria: So yeah, usually people acknowledge the inconvenience of their actions. Sometimes it's difficult to apologize because it's difficult to acknowledge that a person has done something wrong. It's difficult to admit that they've done something wrong. Or people may not have realized that they did something wrong. Yeah, like a common issue. Or you said a faux pas.

Rory: Yes, a faux pas is like a breach of manners or a breach of etiquette. It's from French. And the reason I know this is because I had to teach this to several students recently, actually.

Maria: Yeah, like faux pas, make a faux pas. Faux pas means words or behavior that are a social mistake, not polite. And people make such a mistake and they don't realize that this is anything wrong, right? So they are not aware that they've done something wrong. People mess something up. So you do something wrong or you mess it up. So it's difficult to apologize when you messed it up. So some people don't acknowledge their errors.

Rory: Maybe they properly messed something up.

Maria: Yeah, properly like big time. And some people are extremely stubborn. Right? Like me, for example. I'm super stubborn. Stubborn is disapproving, negative. A stubborn person is determined to do what they want and refuse to do anything else.

Rory: Yes, that does sound like you, Maria.

Maria: Yeah, yeah, that's absolutely me. I'm the definition of stubbornness. I'm so stubborn, I'll never admit that I was wrong. But actually now I'm working on it, and I can say like, yes, that's me, I'm horrible. I messed it up, I'm sorry.

Rory: So you don't avoid the consequences then. That's a good collocation, surely.

Maria: Yeah, I accept the consequences, which is nice progress. But I don't realize that I make a serious faux pas, but when I do realize it, I apologize. Children should be taught how to apologize at primary school, for example, like use the passive voice, "they should be taught." They should learn how to apologize. And Rory, you you've used some word like perfunctory.

Rory: Perfunctory.

Maria: What's that?

Rory: It's like performative. You just do it because you feel like you should.

Maria: Perfunctory. Wow.

Rory: That's gotta be a C1, come on.

Maria: Well, it doesn't say.

Rory: No. Well, if it doesn't say, then it's a C2.

Maria: It's C5.

Rory: Oh my god.

Maria: Perfunctory, done quickly without taking care or interest. Like "his smile was perfunctory." It was a fake, was quick. It's just good manners, right? So children should be taught good manners. And children should be taught how to show respect. So apologizing shows that you respect other people. And they should be taught to recognize their wrong actions.

Rory: So if they recognize it, then they understand it.

Maria: Yeah. Could you give us another example with perfunctory?

Rory: For saying sorry?

Maria: Yeah, like apologizing. Or some other contexts.

Rory: Well, some people just give perfunctory answers to things, just because they can't be bothered to have an in-depth conversation. It's like when someone asks, hi, and you say, "how are you?" And people are like, "yeah, I'm fine. Everything is fine."

Maria: And usually people don't have any problems saying sorry for minor things. We have little things that we do wrong, like minor things and major things, something more serious. So if a person is late or if a person is running late, so they usually say sorry, or people say sorry for getting something wrong. To get something wrong. Or to mess something up. But there are certain things which are inexcusable.

Rory: Yes. So if something is inexcusable, there is no excuse for this and you cannot accept someone's apology. It's too bad.

Maria: Inexcusable, too bad to be accepted. For example, "his drunken speech was inexcusable." So he got drunk, he made a horrible speech, and it was too bad to be accepted. So that was inexcusable. Or you can say "it's inexcusable that young children were left at home alone." And people usually say sorry to make up for what they've done. So you need make up, phrasal verb, to kind of make peace, and present perfect. For what they've done.

Rory: And if you make up for something, it means that you, well, you apologized for it and you made it better.

Maria: Yeah. And again, dear listener, we make an apology. We apologize to somebody, right? We kind of accept an apology. So if I apologize to you and you say, "yes, okay, it's okay." So you accept my apologies. And we apologize for doing something. So people usually apologize for being late. For making a rude comment. And people apologize to their friends. Apologize to your parents.

And another question like, people should apologize for anything wrong. Well, yeah, but again, it's kind of, if it's a minor thing, a little thing, or a serious thing. So people shouldn't go over the top apologizing for everything. And Rory used an interesting idiom, to let yourself off the hook.

Rory: Yes, it's usually you let someone off the hook. If you let someone off the hook, then you tell them everything is okay, and there's nothing to worry about. If you let yourself off the hook, then you say, it's okay, I don't need to apologize. It's fine.

Maria: Let someone off the hook is an idiom. To allow someone to escape from a difficult situation. "Her apology gets her off the hook." So she apologized and was free to go. Kind of escaped a difficult situation. Rory, could you give us another example, please? Maybe about a different topic.

Rory: Well, it's usually related to this idea of apologizing or feeling bad about something. So, for example, "I skipped yoga on Friday, but I let myself off the hook by telling myself I was too tired to go."

Maria: Yeah, and people shouldn't make apologies for everything. So it doesn't look a bit overly apologetic. So apologetic, dear listener, is an adjective. So to vary your super vocabulary, you need to use synonyms. And here we're using a C2 word.

Rory: Is it? Is overly apologetic C2?

Maria: No, no, no, just apologetic is C2.

Rory: Hey.

Maria: Yeah.

Rory: But overly apologetic is like too apologetic.

Maria: Yeah, that's super cool. So overly means too much, over the top. Apologetic is an adjective from apologize. So we say people apologize for something, people make an apology for something, and people are, or people could be overly apologetic, showing that you feel sorry about having caused someone problems. For example, "she was so apologetic about forgetting his birthday." Or people could be overly apologetic for everything. A minor faux pas.

Rory: Right.

Maria: Or "he was apologetic for breaking her phone." Her heart.

Rory: The two worst things you can do.

Maria: Yeah, yeah, break someone's phone and then their heart. Or first their heart and then the phone. People could be oversensitive. So if you are oversensitive, you get upset too easily and people can hurt you. Some people refuse to say sorry to others. Well, because they are stubborn. They are stubborn, right? Remember, they don't acknowledge their mistakes. So they don't own up to things. Ooh, that's another one.

Rory: If you own up to something, you accept responsibility and say it was your fault.

Maria: Yeah. So it's pretty much like acknowledge your mistakes, right?

Rory: Accept your mistakes or own up to something.

Maria: And Rory, what level is this?

Rory: Is it C2? Yes.

Maria: C2, dear listener on a podcast, own up to something C2, band nine. So instead of saying that people don't accept their mistakes, you can say, people, some people refuse to own up to what they've done. Or they refuse to own up to stealing something or to doing something. Pretty much admit that you have done something wrong. But here it's important, a person has done something bad, something wrong, and they don't admit it, they don't agree that it was wrong and they've done it. So they don't own up to it. Or they don't own up to doing something or saying something bad. So they don't take responsibility for it. Nice. Rory, could you give us another example with own up to something?

Rory: Well, it's important to own up to things when you make a mistake, I suppose. Especially if it's a serious one.

Maria: And finally, we get a sexist question again about women and men. Who is better at recognizing emotions?

Rory: I know. Where are these questions coming from?

Maria: Like, who is better at running a business? Women or men? And you can say just on average, like all people can recognize emotions, right? And we can say that women are usually overly sensitive, like most women, not everybody, but most women could be overly sensitive, too sensitive.

Rory: Speak for yourself. I don't agree.

Maria: But men are usually more logical, practical, but still they can recognize emotions. So you can say everyone can recognize everything. Or you can say that, well, it's a common stereotype that men

Rory: men are cold, emotionless and unfeeling.

Maria: Yeah. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, but women are all about feelings and emotions, but no, actually, some men are sensitive and they can recognize emotions even better than women. Right, dear listener. Thank you very much for listening. Lots of C2 vocabulary for you, phrasal verbs, different synonyms.

Rory: We had a lot of really good vocabulary today. I'm proud of this episode.

Maria: Yeah, yeah, yeah, that's, that's a good one. Yeah. We'll get back to you in our next episode, okay? Bye.

Rory: Bye.