📘 Part 3: Arguments and communication in relationships

This episode's vocabulary

Life-changing (adjective) – having a big impact on someone’s life. → Arguments over life-changing matters like finances are worth having.

Row (noun) – a serious argument or fight. → A trivial issue doesn’t need to be the subject of a row.

Heated debate (noun) – an intense or passionate discussion. → He called it a heated debate over something trivial.

Critical thinking (noun) – the ability to think clearly and rationally. → Your critical thinking shuts down during a fight.

Clear the air (phrase) – to talk about problems openly to remove tension. → Arguments might help clear the air for rational reflection.

Idealised (adjective) – imagined or seen as perfect, often unrealistically. → He called that idea an idealised way to think.

Contingent on (phrase) – depending on something else. → It’s contingent on what kind of family and friends you have.

Groupthink (noun) – when a group prioritizes harmony over critical thought. → He said groupthink can prevent opposing viewpoints.

Fall out (phrasal verb) – to argue and stop being friendly. → Even if you fall out with friends, you can find new ones.

Notions (noun) – ideas or beliefs. → Arguments often stem from different notions of respect and manners.

Clash of personalities (phrase) – when two people’s characters conflict. → Some arguments come from a clash of personalities.

Escalate (verb) – to increase or intensify. → He said it’s not good to escalate to physical violence.

Ill feelings (noun) – lingering negative emotions after a conflict. → People should try to move past the ill feelings.

Interpersonal (adjective) – relating to relationships between people. → He talked about interpersonal disagreements.

Avoid confrontation (phrase) – to try not to argue or fight. → Some people just want to avoid confrontation.

Agree to disagree (phrase) – to accept differing opinions without arguing. → Sometimes it’s best to just agree to disagree.

Defensive (adjective) – reacting emotionally to protect oneself. → People often get defensive during arguments.

Mediator (noun) – someone who helps others resolve conflict. → A mediator can help resolve family disputes.

Bottled-up (adjective) – kept inside instead of being expressed. → Bottled-up emotions can lead to bigger fights.

Resolution (noun) – the act of solving a disagreement. → Open communication can lead to a peaceful resolution

Questions and Answers

Maria: Do you think arguments are important?

Rory: Well, that depends on what you are arguing over, surely. If it's about a serious life-changing matter like financial affairs, then yes, one should have their side of things, or one should argue their side of things, absolutely, or they could lose money and be less able to do things. But if it's some sort of heated debate about some trivial thing like, what, leaving the toilet seat up, then I don't think that's something that needs to be the subject of a row.

Maria: Do you think people should change the way they think when they have arguments?

Rory: I don't know if they can. I don't think… That's the thing about human psychobiology. When you have a fight, your critical thinking shuts down, and you want to defend your position to the last, even if you're clearly in the wrong. I think the purpose of an argument might be to get the emotions dealt with first, and then clear the air for more rational reflection and reconsideration. Although that might be a very idealised way to think about it.

Maria: Is it easier to have arguments with your family or with your friends?

Rory: Well, surely that's contingent on what sort of family and friends you have. Groups of people can be incredibly inflexible and have this sort of, I don't know, groupthink mindset that prevents any opposing viewpoints from being given airtime. If we have to pick one, though, maybe it's easier to disagree with your friends, since even if you fall out with them, you can find new friends. It's hard to find a new family.

Maria: What do family members usually have arguments about?

Rory: I think anyone who has ever had a family will tell you there's no limit to the sort of things families get into arguments over. As far as I'm aware, the most common ones are probably related to notions of respect and manners, since young and old people generally have differing views on that. So it makes sense that a home with older and younger people in it might suffer from that.

Maria: And what should people do when they disagree with someone?

Rory: Well, again, that depends on the kind of disagreement that we're having. Let's imagine it's an academic debate, then you agree that you're not going to do things like insult each other, you're going to stick to the focus of what the argument actually is. But let's imagine it's some sort of interpersonal thing, like a clash of personalities, then – I mean, clearly escalating to physical violence is not great, it's probably illegal in most countries, so that's definitely something they shouldn't do. But also afterwards, they should probably think about it, and think about a way to get past the ill feelings. At least that seems to be what happens most of the time, and it seems like a good idea for the majority of cases. But I don't know anything beyond that, to be honest with you. That would be more culturally specific stuff.

Maria: Why do some people avoid arguing with others?

Rory: Well, having arguments is not exactly the most pleasant of experiences, so it's probably just about avoiding the unpleasant feelings, and also risking raising tensions even further if you decide to confront someone about something, or if they confront you, or if they want to confront you. I think it's more about avoiding problems than it is finding more effective solutions. Although I imagine maybe there are more effective ways to solve problems than having arguments.

Discussion

Maria: So, we can argue about politics, religion, or we can argue over politics, religion, and other problems. So, to argue over or about something. We can argue over financial affairs, like finances, money. But don't say argue over money, say argue over financial affairs. And people usually argue about serious life-changing matters. Like serious life-changing topics.

Rory: What else could be a life-changing topic?

Maria: Marriage, children.

Rory: Even how to organise the wedding. I mean, in my opinion, that is trivial, it's not important. But for many people, the format that weddings take is a matter of life and death.

Maria: Yeah, even a wedding dress is, you know, a matter of life and death. A wedding cake, you know. Some people might have a heated debate about some trivial things. So, trivial things, unimportant things, silly things, not serious, trivial. A trivial matter, not serious, not important. And to have a heated debate. Heated, like hot, like dramatic, like... Debate, well, in this context, it could mean an argument. For example, couples usually argue over the toilet seat.

Rory: Do people really argue about this nowadays? Or ever? Have they ever argued about this?

Maria: So, women prefer the toilet seat down. And men usually, what do you say, men raise it up, put it up.

Rory: They leave, well, they put the toilet seat up, or they leave it up. Well, they put it up, go to the bathroom, and then once they have gone, they have left it up if they did not return it to the position it was in. Which, it does seem like that big of a deal. I don't know why people have arguments about this.

Maria: Or people have a row over the toilet seat. Or they have a row over the kitchen, over cooking, like all sorts of things. Here, Rory talked about human psychobiology. So, it's kind of psychology and biology, right, Rory? It's like psychobiology.

Rory: But that's just the biology behind how your psychology works. So, things connected to your brain and your nervous system. Probably other things too, now I think about it.

Maria: So, when a person has a fight, or has an argument, then our critical thinking shuts down. So, when we are passionate, when we are too excited, our thinking, our logical thinking, critical thinking shuts down. It closes. That's it. No more rational thinking. And you start to defend your position to the last. So, defend, you protect your opinions. You protect yourself. So, you defend your position to the last. To the last, meaning you'll do everything, but you will protect your opinions. So, you want to defend your position to the last. Even if you are wrong. Usually, yeah, what happens? Even if you are wrong, but now I'm going to defend it to the last. And emotions get over us. We let our emotions control the argument and ourselves.

Rory: Would you like me to give a short biology lesson?

Maria: The Biology of Arguments by Rory Fergus Duncan.

Rory: Right, I'm going to grossly oversimplify this. But basically, your brain has three levels. There's the first level, which is like the core of the brain, the oldest part, which governs everything that you are not responsible for directly, like breathing, your heartbeat, things like this. Then there's the second level, which covers things like your emotional reactions to things. You have some control over that, but not complete. Then you have your third level, which is your executive functioning, like your critical thinking. And what happens during an argument is, the second level of your brain is active. It’s the most active part. And so this draws resources and activity away from the outer level, the third layer. And that means that you struggle to effectively argue points or to think critically here. Instead, you're in fight or flight mode, the sort of basic survival mode. And that's why it's difficult to change your mind when you're having an argument. And it's difficult to do anyway, but especially in heated arguments, very intense ones, that can be a problem.

Maria: Thank you, Rory, for your biology lessons.

Rory: We could even use specialist vocabulary. So what would it be called? I think the third layer of your brain, if I'm right, is called your cerebrum. Then the second layer is called the amygdala, or part of it is called the amygdala…

Maria: Rory, we will not remember it. Amygdala, sub-mygdala, we will not remember this. Seriously, these are crazy words. Amygdala.

Rory: Now you know a little bit about brain biology. I mean, simple brain biology, I should say. There's more to it than just that, but these are good ways of understanding it.

Maria: Yeah, Dear listener, when you talk about the brain, you can just make up a word, just create a word. You know, this part of the brain is called menitalis. The examiners seriously will not know. Menitalis, I've just made it up, you know, it's a make-up word. Maybe it exists, I don't know. Different parts of the brain have these funny names…

Rory: They're not funny. They have a purpose behind them.

Maria: Oh, amygdala, amymbola, mimymbola. Just say it with a serious face, dear listener, you know. When a person has an argument, this part of the brain, which is called mimymbola, is activated. That's it, you see, it's just... The examiner will not know all the names for different parts of the brain, that's for sure.

Rory: But you could, and knowing this information might be useful one day.

Maria: Yeah, mimymbola, very useful.

Rory: Maria does not think so, but I do.

Maria: No, no, no, it's useful, yeah, of course it's useful if you can remember the names. But, well, maybe our listener can't remember all the names for brain parts. We can say that it depends on a family or it's contingent on a family. Or kind of the kind of family people have. Some families are incredibly inflexible. So, they are not flexible; they don't change their opinions. And perhaps it's easier to disagree with your friends if you fall out with them, if you argue with them. Remember, fall out, argue? If you fall out with your friends, you can find new friends, yay! But it's very difficult to find a new family. That's a good idea. Family members argue about what?

Rory: Everything. They argue about everything.

Maria: So, there is no limit. They get into arguments over everything. So, a nice phrase. Get into arguments over everything. To argue about everything. And the most common topics are related to manners, our behaviour, politics, religion, household duties, how you look, your makeup, your clothes, everything. What you say, what you don't say. Yeah. A nice strategy is to say, let's imagine that it's an academic debate. So, an academic argument at university, for example, where people disagree with each other. Then people express their views. Other people insult each other. So, when they have an arrow, when they have an argument, they insult each other. They use very bad words, offensive remarks.

Rory: They might not necessarily need to be bad words. They could just be horrible things to say about people.

Maria: Or let's imagine it's a personality clash. Let's imagine it's a usual argument, an academic debate, a personality clash. So, if it's a personality clash, then two people just don't match.

Rory: I love that expression, a clash of personalities, because it completely absolves anyone of any responsibility for anything. It's just a personality clash. It's not because one person was disorganised or because they did something wrong.

Maria: Yeah, or you can say that a clash of opinions. So, a situation where people's opinions are very different. They, like, oppose each other. And a clash is a fight. Actually, it's C2. Band 9 word. Clash, yeah. So, a clash, a fight or an argument between people. So, for example like, there were violent clashes between the police and people in the city centre. And it's a clash of opinions, a clash of personalities. Some people use physical violence, so they get into a physical fight. But other people start talking, and they get past their ill feelings. So, get past ill feelings. So, kind of like, leave bad feelings behind. People avoid arguments because they don't want to confront other people. So, confront, to kind of to face, to face difficult situations. Actually, confront is also a C2 level word.

Rory: Really? Again? Like, what a random word to have at C2 level. I should say, I don't particularly plan what I'm going to say here. Like, it should have Band 9 or C2 level vocabulary in it. That's amazing that such a small word can have such a high level. It's like fireplace. So random.

Maria: So, confront, deal with a difficult problem, situation. Like, people confront pollution. We confront criminals. And many people avoid arguing because they don't want to confront other people. So, to kind of to face, to deal with them, to explain what's going on, so they feel uncomfortable. Or people dislike being confronted by other people. I don't like being confronted by others. I don't want other people to argue with me, to tell me horrible things. So, yeah. And what to do if you disagree with someone? Like, what should people do when they argue or when they disagree with something? So, stay calm. Identify your goals, dear listener. Like, what do you want out of this conversation? Hear people out. So, just listen to people. Okay? Calmly. Try to understand them. Express yourself respectfully. Just say what you have to say, but in a calm, respectful manner.

Rory: How? How does that work, though? Like, this is such a hard thing for people to learn. Because, of course, like I say, your brain stops working at 100% capacity. You have a reduced intellectual ability.

Maria: Yeah, that's why, you know, like when you are in an argument, you should breathe. Just close your eyes, breathe in, breathe out, and then start speaking. But if you feel emotions, you should calm down and then speak.

Rory: You can't just tell people to calm down, though. I really think this is a skill that we've got to practise in advance of it actually happening. Because otherwise, it could be a disaster. Which reminds me, I did this when I was doing a teacher training thing once. I told the participants: You have a task, and halfway through the task, something is going to go wrong. And you will have to work together in order to overcome the problem. If you cannot work together to do it, then you will not be able to succeed. And so, because this was a completely manufactured situation, the participants felt safer. And they were more able to cope and exercise their ability to cooperate in high-pressure situations. Rather than just randomly surprising them and expecting them to be able to get on with it. So these kinds of practice activities can be useful for you. If you're lucky enough to be a teacher, and I'm your teacher trainer.

Maria: Nice.

Rory: I am so good with this emotional regulation. I'm not, but that's besides the point.

Maria: We hope that there'll be fewer arguments in your life, dear listener. Stay calm. Be nice. Be friendly to people. Breathe in, breathe out. And keep listening to our podcast. Bye.

Rory: Bye.

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