📘 Part 3: Arguments and communication in relationships

This episode's vocabulary

Life-changing (adjective) – having a big impact on someone’s life. → Arguments over life-changing matters like finances are worth having.

Row (noun) – a serious argument or fight. → A trivial issue doesn’t need to be the subject of a row.

Heated debate (noun) – an intense or passionate discussion. → He called it a heated debate over something trivial.

Critical thinking (noun) – the ability to think clearly and rationally. → Your critical thinking shuts down during a fight.

Clear the air (phrase) – to talk about problems openly to remove tension. → Arguments might help clear the air for rational reflection.

Idealised (adjective) – imagined or seen as perfect, often unrealistically. → He called that idea an idealised way to think.

Contingent on (phrase) – depending on something else. → It’s contingent on what kind of family and friends you have.

Groupthink (noun) – when a group prioritizes harmony over critical thought. → He said groupthink can prevent opposing viewpoints.

Fall out (phrasal verb) – to argue and stop being friendly. → Even if you fall out with friends, you can find new ones.

Notions (noun) – ideas or beliefs. → Arguments often stem from different notions of respect and manners.

Clash of personalities (phrase) – when two people’s characters conflict. → Some arguments come from a clash of personalities.

Escalate (verb) – to increase or intensify. → He said it’s not good to escalate to physical violence.

Ill feelings (noun) – lingering negative emotions after a conflict. → People should try to move past the ill feelings.

Interpersonal (adjective) – relating to relationships between people. → He talked about interpersonal disagreements.

Avoid confrontation (phrase) – to try not to argue or fight. → Some people just want to avoid confrontation.

Agree to disagree (phrase) – to accept differing opinions without arguing. → Sometimes it’s best to just agree to disagree.

Defensive (adjective) – reacting emotionally to protect oneself. → People often get defensive during arguments.

Mediator (noun) – someone who helps others resolve conflict. → A mediator can help resolve family disputes.

Bottled-up (adjective) – kept inside instead of being expressed. → Bottled-up emotions can lead to bigger fights.

Resolution (noun) – the act of solving a disagreement. → Open communication can lead to a peaceful resolution

Questions and Answers

Maria: Do you think arguments are important?

Rory: Well, that depends on what you are arguing over, surely. If it's about a serious life-changing matter like financial affairs, then yes, one should have their side of things, or one should argue their side of things, absolutely, or they could lose money and be less able to do things. But if it's some sort of heated debate about some trivial thing like, what, leaving the toilet seat up, then I don't think that's something that needs to be the subject of a row.

Maria: Do you think people should change the way they think when they have arguments?

Rory: I don't know if they can. I don't think… That's the thing about human psychobiology. When you have a fight, your critical thinking shuts down, and you want to defend your position to the last, even if you're clearly in the wrong. I think the purpose of an argument might be to get the emotions dealt with first, and then clear the air for more rational reflection and reconsideration. Although that might be a very idealised way to think about it.

Maria: Is it easier to have arguments with your family or with your friends?

Rory: Well, surely that's contingent on what sort of family and friends you have. Groups of people can be incredibly inflexible and have this sort of, I don't know, groupthink mindset that prevents any opposing viewpoints from being given airtime. If we have to pick one, though, maybe it's easier to disagree with your friends, since even if you fall out with them, you can find new friends. It's hard to find a new family.

Maria: What do family members usually have arguments about?

Rory: I think anyone who has ever had a family will tell you there's no limit to the sort of things families get into arguments over. As far as I'm aware, the most common ones are probably related to notions of respect and manners, since young and old people generally have differing views on that. So it makes sense that a home with older and younger people in it might suffer from that.

Maria: And what should people do when they disagree with someone?

Rory: Well, again, that depends on the kind of disagreement that we're having. Let's imagine it's an academic debate, then you agree that you're not going to do things like insult each other, you're going to stick to the focus of what the argument actually is. But let's imagine it's some sort of interpersonal thing, like a clash of personalities, then – I mean, clearly escalating to physical violence is not great, it's probably illegal in most countries, so that's definitely something they shouldn't do. But also afterwards, they should probably think about it, and think about a way to get past the ill feelings. At least that seems to be what happens most of the time, and it seems like a good idea for the majority of cases. But I don't know anything beyond that, to be honest with you. That would be more culturally specific stuff.

Maria: Why do some people avoid arguing with others?

Rory: Well, having arguments is not exactly the most pleasant of experiences, so it's probably just about avoiding the unpleasant feelings, and also risking raising tensions even further if you decide to confront someone about something, or if they confront you, or if they want to confront you. I think it's more about avoiding problems than it is finding more effective solutions. Although I imagine maybe there are more effective ways to solve problems than having arguments.